Friends, loved ones, Romans, countrymen, etc etc – as some of you may know, there is a slightly (very slightly) elevated chance that the world will end tomorrow according to the prophecy of the Mayan civilisation. For those of you that dismiss this ‘ignorant omen from an ancient civilisation’ – I would warn you that the astrological perceptivity of this ancient people has yet to be rivalled, and they didn’t have telescopes… therefore I personally take what they say a little seriously (but not too seriously).

Just in case our world is incinerated, zombified, absorbed into the molecular destruction of a black hole, or is obliterated by a meteorite – I thought I’d write this small piece thanking everyone for the great times.

Thank you all for the great times.

I have lived my life in a state of sublime arrogance, and for those that are close to me, I deeply apologise. The only reason I am alive to day was because of the concerted efforts of friends and loved ones on my part, and a faith that I would, despite the misguided prophecies of my teachers, somehow make it. First and foremost therefore, on the list of thank yous, must be my mother and father.

You have been exceptional, wonderful and truly dazzling. When no one else could bat an eyelid for the crazy and slightly rotund individual banging on about aliens and monsters perceptible only through the lens of childhood, you did, and for that I can offer only my deepest thanks. You have taught me, trained me, loved me, and inspired me – there are no two people I would rather emulate than you, and as I have a lot of idols, I hope you will see this compliment for what it is.

To Angela – the woman who trained me in home education. You were Chiron, and I, the fledgling. There could have been no greater teacher for me.

Second must go to my old friends, and my new. Connor Davey, we have had good and bad times, but through it all, you have been the Samwise Gamgee of my journey through life. Without your ability to say things as they are, to cut through the crap and eloquate truth, and to remind me that sometimes the best and only response to life’s chastisements is to tell them to fuck off, has been more invaluable than I can express. For those of you reading my online series, you might guess which of the main characters is based on Connor.

Michael, you’ve been with me for longer than I can actually remember – I feel like no words can be spoken, just a companionable silence at the end of everything.

I must also thank Rob, Dom and Ellie, and the rest of the B’mouth gang. I may not see any of you much nowadays Indeed, I may never see any of you again (unless of course this really is the final judgement) – but I do hope you will appreciate my heartfelt thanks for all the amazing times we had, the banter, the love, and the fellowship that bound us for those childhood days.

Liam Flower, who I call Liam War – you have been one of my most loyal, trusty, and stolid friends throughout all the years we’ve known each other since Warhammer Sunday Club. Yes people, for all those people who keep asking how I know Liam, and not getting a satisfactory answer, is we’re both geeks and fucking love the fantasy. Liam, you are going to go onto great things, either in a post apocalyptic capacity, or in a normal one. Keep playing that guitar – and you’ll be the next Cobain, I’ve no doubt in my mind.

Next in the list has to be the St Peter’s crew. There are too many people from this golden 2 year era of my life to begin to give each one a paragraph, though undoubtedly each one deserves one. Ben Howe, Joe, Tom, Rhys, Ollie, CJ – then the Barmock crew, Faith, Kate, CJ, Zoey and Emma – and then the drama legends: Scott, James, Max, Andy, and then the English students: Steph, Ollie Higgins, and even the Btecs despite our initial difficulty. To all you glorious folk I say thank you.

But I also have new friends who have been a real light in my life. Ben (Norris) – you were the first person I met at Birmingham, and we have had a dynamic friendship to say the least. Through all the hilarity of people imagining us at each other’s throats, to performing ‘Lose Yourself MK 2’, to living together, and to ever sharpening each other’s poetical wits, it has been a truly glorious companionship, and if the world doesn’t end, long may it continue.

Sam who I call ‘Samwise’ – you have been a remarkable friend to me, in more ways than you could perhaps realise. My friendship with you Sam is not just important because of all the ludicrous jokes, banter and wit, but also, because you have taught me something very profound. It is from your example Sam that I am attempting to learn humility. As, in the order of the seven virtues established in contradiction to the seven sins, Humility is the direct opposition to Pride, and therefore is the greatest of all virtues, I hope that you will see your exalted status in my perception.

Andy, who is called ‘Cash More’ – you too have taught me more than you probably realise. It’s been wonderful, it’s been funny, and most of all it’s been epic.

Elisha, Jenna, Lucy, Yas – my wonderful flatmates, then there’s Sean Colletti, my great inspiration, and Charlie and Giles and Alana and Amie from Writer’s Bloc – there are too many, there are just too many to name!

This is turning out to be a biblical blog, but then again given that it may possibly be the end of the universe as we understand it, I feel this is somehow justified. However there’s only one more person, but it’s a case of last but not least.

Michelle – if this is the last day of the world, there is no one I could wish to spend it with more than you. In two years you have transformed my life in what can only be described as a cataclysmic way. I hope that, if the world doesn’t implode into a timeless silence in which the dusts of our civilisation become clouds vaguely stirred by expulsions of gaseous space-matter, with your love, I can become a better man.


That’s all folks,


Merry Christmas if we make it













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